So, since I’ve gotten myself back into my exercise routine, I’ve been listening to mostly rap & hip-hop to keep my momentum going…and I’ve started to notice several common themes throughout. I’ve decided to try to help address some of these issues and how they can be overcome.
There is apparently a lot of:
- Bouncing – There is a significant amount of bouncing with others going on. I believe this to be transportation-related…and obviously because most rapper’s cars need shocks. Have you seen them in videos? The poor bastards in the Burger King commercial have their fries thrown all over the place. Head over to Pep Boys and my brother Garret will hook you up. This should also be a minimal investment…
- Shaking – Let me tell you folks, shaking like a Polaroid picture is no laughing matter. This could be the first sign of palsy. I wouldn’t be hyping it up, I’d head straight to the doctor for a further diagnosis.
- Dropping – Not necessarily related to the shaking or the bouncing, but dropping things might alert you to the fact that you may be suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome. Perhaps try letting some of your posse return your non-essential e-mails and text messages. (Side note: Dropping something because it’s hot is just a reflex…don’t concern yourself with that…it’s just your nerve endings telling you to let go)
Another disturbing trend that everyone is wondering how to “get all that ass in them jeans”, etc. I’m no fashion genius, but I’ll try to walk you through the scenario. If you’ve gone to your closet and put on some jeans that are a size 7 and your ass is hanging out (see above)…or you can’t seem to get them all the way on, just go ahead and try a size 9. No one likes to admit that they’re in a bigger size, but it seems to be better than having your ass hanging out…or rocking the muffin top. Perhaps you could also look into hiring a personal shopper to assist you with these tough decisions. You want to be able to move around while wearing your pants…like Chuck Norris:
Another fascinating phenomenon is that many hip-hop artists hang with their boos. I had no idea that the hip-hop community dabbled in the occult. Apparently they confer with their long-gone homeys through a spiritual medium.
Others are close with their shorties…as they are obviously a non-discriminatory group. Quite moving in this day and age. This is also shown by the fact Lil’ Jon has been embraced by the rap community even though he is partially deaf, mentally delusional (makes up gibberish words like “Crunk”), and suffers from Tourette’s Syndrome.
I’m not able to say for sure, but I believe that some in the hip-hop world also dabble in dog breeding and farming. I’m basing this solely on the incredible amount of references to “bitches & hoes”. Don’t hold me to it…I’m just guessing.
Also, I’ve heard references to “lovely lady lumps”. I’m sure it seems fine to sing about this in your twenties, but lumps are nothing to sneeze at. They are often the first sign of something much more ominous. Come on people…be more responsible. Go get it checked out.
So there you have it…my take on the rap & hip-hop community and some of their glaring issues. Hopefully this can help someone out there.
Until next time, I’m ridin’ dirty…
OK…so I’m sure that some of you know that I’ve had a bad week this week. I washed & dried my 2GB memory stick (can you imagine it doesn’t work now?), I’m having strange horizontal hold issues with my PS3 (my sanity!!), Windows Media Player 10 keeps locking up my computer (Bill Gates!!), and I got “laid off” from my job on Thursday too (I’m sure they’re going to call me right back…)
But what’s got me most disturbed is what happened to me at the library yesterday. I had 3 Damien Rice CDs and a DVD for Connor. My library card scanned that I had 5 items to pickup (quick math…I’m missing one). It went down like this (EK=Me, LL=Library Lady):
- EK – Do I have another item back there?
- LL – I don’t see one
- EK – No big deal…it’ll show up and I’ll get it later.
- LL – I’ll scan your card and see if I can find it
- EK – That’s ok…no biggie.
- LL – That’s my job… no problem.
- EK – OK…here you go. I can’t even remember what I even requested.
- LL – Oh…it came in today. Here’s your JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE CD.
- EK – (Mortified) … Oh thanks.
- LL – Wasn’t he great last night?
- EK – (Scanning the room) What? Oh…was he on the Grammy’s? I don’t usually keep track of those shows, etc.
- LL – Me either, but I have a teenage girl at home.
- EK – (Frantically scanning the CD) … OK Thanks….
I was more embarrassed than the first time (or the last time for that matter) that I bought condoms! It seemed like the Library Lady was going over the intercom or with a megaphone or something…and time slowed down (see: Time Dilation) so it took forever for me to get out of there.
So, now you all know…I do occasionally enjoy listening to pop music as a guilty pleasure. I also dabble in rap & hip-hop, but that doesn’t embarrass me like pop does. There’s certainly more of a hard-ass aura surrounding rap…and people accept that there’s got to be hip-hop to dance to (even if you’re like me and don’t dance). But pop is kind of like…”Oh, here’s your Justin CD…and your pink leotard came in today too”. I may have to switch to a different library…
Something small that’s getting on my nerves this morning is Man-Ray from Spongebob. Man-Ray (along with the Dirty Bubble) fights Spongebob’s superhero idols Mermaid-Man and Barnacle Boy. I thought I’d be able to quickly find a funny picture on Google images (maybe the one where Man-Ray shows Spongebob & Patrick his checks with poodles on them), but it took me 10-15 minutes just to get the one above.
Apparently there was some artist (painter/photographer, etc) named Man Ray also…and I keep getting nakes lady butt pictures!
Now, didn’t this tortured soul know that eighty years after he took this picture that I’d need a goofy Spongebob picture for my profile? How self-centered…artists…