Did I mention that I have always hated Valentine’s Day? I think it all started back in grade school. All of the little 8-year-old playaz had the baskets full of “I love you”, “Be my valentine”, and “I Choo-Choo Choose You” (Ralph Wiggum TM) cards spilling out of their construction-paper baskets.
Meanwhile a young (husky-jeans-wearing) Eric Kintzel was getting cards like these:
- I LOVE YOU (printed) but just as friends (in crayon)
- HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY (printed) but I’d date girls first (in pink with hearts over the “i’s”)
- YOU’RE CUTE (printed) r than the kid in the helmet (in marker)
- I WANT YOU (printed) to leave me alone (in red pen from my teacher)
So things didn’t start off well for Valentine’s Day. Then as I got older and began dating I realized that Valentine’s Day was just a relationship land-mine. There’s no way to win… and it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in your relationship.
- Just started dating – What is the correct “gift to relationship duration” ratio? You can’t seem too serious and get a ring after a few dates…that’s a no brainer; however, do you really need to be saddled with the cost of roses after 3 dates? Is a card enough? Who the hell knows…
- In the pre-marriage zone – You’re in the “prince charming stage”. You’re the guy to take Snow White and ride off into the sunset. You’re probably saving up your money for an engagement ring…or maybe even planning the income vortex that is a wedding. Things are serious now, right? But here’s the reality of it all. The last thing you can afford to do is drop $100 on dinner, $50 on flowers, and God knows how much on a “girl-friend approved” gift. But if you don’t, you subject her to watching other women getting flowers at work all day while she sits and thinks about what a cheap asshole you are.
- Married! – Now you can actually say things like, “Should we really spend $200 on Valentine’s Day?”… and if you’re lucky enough you’ve married someone who says, “let’s spend it on something cool”. But there’s still a good chance that you’re a frugal dick… and of course your suggestion of some sexy lingerie is probably viewed as more of a waste of money than flowers (that will be dead before they show up on your credit card statement).
I can’t tell you how many diamond commercials I’ve heard in the last two weeks. It’s ridiculous! This has really become a man’s day to screw up. There’s really not much to gain. If you pull it off, you might get to stay at zero… but there’s always the potential to bury yourself at a depth that might require a donkey and a native American tracker to find you.
I guess the thing that bothers me the most about VD (funny…right?) is the whole premise of the “holiday”…if you can call it that. If you really love (or care about) the person you’re with, why do you need to especially celebrate it on this one particular day? Shouldn’t you be that amazingly, inseparably in-love every day of the year? Do you really need to single out February 14th? Pace yourself…. be a great spouse (or significant other) every day!
…and I haven’t even mentioned the amount of stress and/or depression it can bring on for some of us single folks. Now I’m not upset about being single (or alone), but that wasn’t always the case. February 14th is hellish for people who don’t want to spend that day alone… especially if all of their friends are all going out doing something “romantic”. A recent break-up can make Valentine’s Day feel extremely scarring…like living through an emotional Holocaust. Woot woot!!
To top off all of my warm and wonderful emotions about 2/14 is the fact that my birthday is 2/16. Why does this matter, you say? Since I’m not a complete shut-in (yet), I do occasionally like to go out on (or around) my birthday; however, with Valentine’s Day right up against it… I often have to fight all of the same crowds, “happy” couples, and doubled-up wait times if I feel like going out to celebrate. So most of the time, I don’t. And this is where I get a tad irrational, selfish, and (yes even a lot) pissed off!
My birthday is the one day each year that I can claim as my own (and not feel like a complete selfish asshole about it). There are no two ways about it… even Father’s Day (the only other holiday that I can claim in any way) is really all about getting to spend time with my son and my own dad. So, I do get a bit selfishly upset when my least favorite “holiday” screws up anything to do with my birthday. Why couldn’t it be Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day, or even Flag Day?!
I’m sure some of you are thinking… “Waaaahhhh… poor Eric”
- Doesn’t he have anything better to whine about?
- The answer would be: In general, yes; however, on February 13th, no. I hate Valentine’s Day. It can burn in hell.
- Isn’t Eric’s son’s birthday around Christmas? How can he still bitch about Valentine’s Day?
- Yes, Connor’s birthday is 12/17. He loves Christmas and it doesn’t screw up his birthday. He gets 3 weeks of celebrations, cakes, and presents. At any point when he becomes disillusioned by his birthday’s proximity to Christmas, I’ll teach him how to blog. Until then, that kid is living the dream.
- Grow up, get a life, and get over it
- Also see: my blog, tough shit
For all of you celebrating this “holiday”, go out have a great time. I wish you all the best of luck navigating the ever-changing labyrinth of rules, enduring the anxiety of present selection, and sitting on your thumbs waiting for a table.
For all of you sane people (like me), I wish you all A Very Happy Un-Valentine’s!
Well, as they say, “it’s that time of year again”. Holiday music started playing the day before they put out the Halloween costumes. Turkeys are beginning to feel safer as Thanksgiving has simply become a financial partner to introduce its big brother, Christmas. And it must be December because I can’t leave the house between the hours of 3:30 and 10:00 without running into “the crowd”.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love the holidays. But I think that things have taken a turn for the worse… and no one has noticed.
Why is it ok for the cashier at Kroger to tell me that my “Xmas Twix” (per the register) upsets her as the “Xmas” takes Christ out of Christmas? How does she know that I’m not a Satanist planning on using my Twix in some sort of ritual to rid the world of Christmas? Or maybe, I’m a Grinch-ist just trying to get rid of the Who’s and all that “noise, noise, noise, noise…”
I guess my point is that I really don’t need the cashier talking to me about Jesus… and I have several reasons for this.
First of all, I don’t like talking to anyone about Jesus. I have my own issues with my faith, or lack thereof…and I really don’t feel like discussing it with Cindy at Kroger. “Paper or Plastic” Cindy, not “Heaven or Hell”.
Secondly, why is it acceptable for Christians to annually assume that everyone else is on the invite list for their big end-of-the-year party? Just because the majority of Indiana is Christian doesn’t mean that it’s 100% Christian. Maybe I celebrate Festivus every December… or maybe I have a shrine dedicated to Elvis. Or maybe I was heading home to start planning my Ramadan festivities for the following August. Would they take as well to me wishing them “Happy Bodhi Day!”?
…and with all of this going on, I feel like so many have lost sight of what the Holiday season should actually focus on. Starting with Thanksgiving, people just get into this consumer mentality for the sake of doing what’s expected of them.
“Buy, buy, buy” to show others how much money you make…and how you can afford to spend more on them than they can spend on you. It’s the financial equivalent of whipping it out to see whose is bigger.
Then you’ve got the people who will go out shopping and not be concerned if they cut-people off on the road, park in handicapped spots, grab the last toy, cut in line, pay with a check, and talk loudly on their cell phones during the entire process.
I guess it’s “no big deal” to inconvenience tens or possibly hundreds of people over the course of a month or two to spread a little Christmas cheer, on one day. That’s just bad math any way you slice it.
Do people realize the karma they’re going to reap? I mean come on everyone, “What would Jesus do to grab the last New Moon Barbie doll?” …and more importantly, would he be pleased to see what you’d done to grab the last New Moon Barbie doll?
So let’s all take a step back, refocus, and think: “What should the holidays mean to me”?
I’ll tell you what they mean to me, and I’m not going to bullshit it at all. I’ll start at Thanksgiving, but I don’t need a day every year to make me thankful for what I’m about to get into.
I’m not going to get into details, but I’ve had a pretty screwed up year this year. All that aside, I’m honestly not sitting around feeling sorry for myself… and I don’t need reminded every November to count my blessings.
My most amazing blessing in the world is sleeping in the next room holding on to an early birthday present that his mom gave him. He’s the reason that I get out of bed every day… and he still thinks that I am the coolest man on the planet.
I’m also blessed to have my health. I will never take that for granted.
I’m incredibly fortunate to not just have had an “amicable” split-up, but that Amber and I are still genuinely friends. We will always have a special bond and I just can’t imagine my life without her in it… even if it’s not in the same capacity as before.
I also have a great family (including Amber) that really helped me get through losing my job and living on my own for the first time this year. I’ve leaned on each of them at different times in different ways and I’ll never be able to fully explain what that meant for my mental well-being.
This year (on a positive note) I was able to reconnect with two of my best friends from junior high and high school. I still really can’t believe that I’m back in touch with either of them…and it really blows my mind that we’ve all hung out twice in the last 3 weeks. Melinda & Brandon, I don’t know about my faith… but I know that fate gave you two back to me this year when I really needed you the most. Now, don’t go getting lost out in the world again.
So that’s (part of) what I’m thankful for… and Christmas time, which I really prefer to call the holidays, should be about spending time with family and being kind to one another. (Of course we should all be doing that every day, but that’s an issue for another time).
Are presents nice? Yes. Do you have to have them to have a great holiday season? No. Is it Christmas? Yes. Would Jesus be upset at “Xmas” if we actually got the sentiment right? Probably not…
So let’s not all stress out on how many presents we’re giving or getting. Let’s just all enjoy the time we have with those around us. If they’re important or special enough to get to see during the holidays, then get the most out of the time you get to see them. You never know who might not be sitting around the tree the next time it’s up.
First of all, I just want to tell everyone that I’m returning from my job-hunting hiatus. The energy was well spent and I start my new job with ADT on July 27. But like LL Cool J said, “Don’t call it a comeback!”
Let’s get right to some things that have been itching to get out of my brain lately. First on my list is these rediculous things:
Family and friends please hear me now while I’m alive and kicking: DO NOT GET AN “In Loving Memory of Eric Kintzel” WINDOW DECAL. I can’t express to you how much I feel that these are in poor taste. I’m sure that some people may honestly feel like it is a touching tribute; however, I am not one of those people. If I’m unfortunate enough to fall into the “only the good die young” category, please just pass on your condolences, send flowers, make a donation to a cause, or just set the money on fire…but do not under any circumstances let this juxtapositioning occur:
I just have a feeling that I’d be right next to a Calvin pissing on an Obama face or something…so let’s just not risk it. OK? Oh…and please don’t partake in anything airbrushed:
So as we continue along the back of the Ford F350, what’s that I see? Well, it looks like…NO, it can’t be. That would be such a vulgar thing to put on your truck…but shit, what else could that be but:
Yes, it must be truck balls…a faux metallic scrotum. But why on God’s Earth would anyone take the most unattractive part of the male anatomy and put them on the back of their vehicle? (And this certainly isn’t in any sort of Georgia O’Keeffe type of artsy spin on them either).
My only guess would be that the owner of these faux balls has one of these problems:
- Accessibility – He is unable to get to his own balls, because his wife owns them et cetera
- Area - He is unhappy with the LxWxH (Length x Width x Height) of his own, so he’s procured an over-sized set
- Profession – He is a urologist (nothing to complain about here)
Of course, the truck balls are available in many colors:
These nuts will have you singing Silver & Gold all night long. I’ll bet Frosty the Snowman would have looked quite formidable with a pair of these babies.
And let’s not forget:
What would a collection of cajones (nuts, rocks, danglers, family jewels, nads) be without the most (in)famous set of them all: The Blue Balls. I mention this set last to drive home a point guys. If you come home with a set of truck balls and your wife doesn’t approve, chances are you will end up with this set regardless of which color you previously picked out at the Balls Store.
Ever since I changed my Facebook relationship status to “single”, this is what I get in my advertisement bar ALL THE TIME. It cracks me up!
Am I looking for a nice “one-nighter”?…or maybe a college girl that I could buy alcohol for? Perhaps I’ve got a “Mrs. Robinson”-thing going on and I’m trolling for AARP members (no offense to AARP members…).
This kind of stuff just makes me laugh. I know it’s not a very long post, but there’s not much to it. I’ve got a couple of other posts brewing in my head about my divorce, dating, and what music meant to me in my teenage years, but I haven’t had the patience or discipline to sit my ass down and write them.
Oh….Jehovah’s Witnesses: Stop ringing my doorbell! I’m quite impressed with your take on Christ…that’s great that you think he had x-ray vision, knew pi to 1000 digits, and invented the open-toe sandal; however, it pisses off my dogs and makes me stop exercising to answer the door (which in turn pisses me off). So the next time you see the “No soliciting” sign in my neighborhood…it does pertain to you.
I saw this article online last week and it made me laugh:
In 2005, a movie called The Island went something like this:
In 2019, Lincoln Six Echo and Jordan Two Delta are best friends in a repressive and intriguing society, where everybody expects to win the lottery. The prize is to move to a paradisaical island outside the domes that protect the dwellers against the contaminated environment. Jordan wins the lottery, and Lincoln accidentally finds the scary truth behind the Utopian award: they are clones, generated to provide replacement organs and parts to the owners of insurance policy.
Jeesh…that sounds awfully close to the same plot. And sorry Keira, The Island had Ewan McGregor (Obi-Wan) and Scarlett Johansson (who doesn’t look like she weighs less than the DVD…that’s my way of saying I think she’s extremely attractive). I’m not saying that The Island was Oscar-worthy…it’s not. It’s my typical average sci-fi, action film with some decent explosions and (overly) intense musical score. With that said, IT ONLY CAME OUT 3 YEARS AGO!! It’s not like when they remade Cape Fear in the 90′s… People will remember that there was a movie just like that a couple of summers ago. Numb nuts…
See Also: Armageddon vs. Deep Impact, Bewitched (Which Dick is it?), and Snorks vs. Smurfs
OK…so if you watch the video, you can see that I’m not pleased with C.P. Morgan. So much so that I was willing to put my face on the Internet to express my displeasure. I was in the middle of a 3-day debacle that ended up with me completely replacing my upstairs toilet. I was a bit honked off because changing a flapper valve costs about $5 and takes about 5 minutes.
So basically what got me to that point (in the video) was that I was trying to replace that flushing column (for lack of a better term). In order to do that I had to: remove the ballcock assembly (which was destroyed in the process because it was cheap), remove the tank from the bowl (by unscrewing corroded bolts – which sucked), and remove the old flushing column (that wouldn’t unscrew because of the sediment on the threads…and the fact that is was made of cheap plastic). Which pretty much led me to realize that I needed a new toilet, because I didn’t want to put $30 of parts and time into that old crapper.
At that point I had to remove the old toilet by unscrewing the mounting bolts on the bottom. I started to back off the threads, but some C.P. Morgan flunky had cut them with bolt cutters (or something) and mashed the threads. So, my only resort was to loosen them as much as possible and hope that I could rotate the bowl and take it off anyway. Luckily it worked and all I had to do was take off the old wax ring and start anew.
On a side note, I’m way to immature to have a clean, unsecured toilet sitting around the house not to take goofy pictures of myself. (Also: I love that the dogs are completely unaffected by my behavior). After I finished screwing around with these, I did manage to get the new commode in and 12 hours later…it’s still not leaking. Let’s all hope for the best.
Also, I’ve been sick recently…and since I’m unemployed, I’ve been trying to sleep some during the day to fight back the hantavirus or whatever the hell I’ve got. Which got me thinking about something entirely stupid and inconsequential:
When are you “going back to sleep”…and when are you “taking a nap”? I got up at 7:30, had Connor to school by 9:00, and was back in bed by 10:30. I’d been up 3 hours….was I “going back to sleep” or ”taking a nap”? If I had gotten up at 5:00 or 6:00 (a.m.), would it have been a nap for sure? Is this all determined by how long you’ve been up…or does the specific time of day have something to do with it? Are there no naps before noon? Do you have to be up 4+ hours to take a nap? Or are you going back to bed if it’s any time before 11:00 (a.m.), etc.?
Anyway I know it’s totally random and irrelevant, but it’s been on my mind. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s 11:45 (p.m.) and I have to go to sleep.
Hey sports fans! If you happen to live in Arizona and you were offended by Comcast showing 30 seconds of porn, you can hit them up for a whole $10!
So if you want to have the (aforementioned) “talk” with your kids about why the nice lady on TV was helping the excitable guywith his zipper, you can do so over a dinner at McDonald’s (hold the McFlurrys). Well…I guess you could really only take out one kid…and you’d better be a single parent…and don’t biggie size…and jeesh…how much is tax on food now….????
Hey Phelps…guess what? My son’s Spiderman V-Tech probably has a digital camera in it. You can certainly smoke a lot of pot at home with the $100,000,000 dollars that you stand to lose in endorsement deals. I know this sounds crazy, but you may want to take a quick moral assessment of those around you before engaging in illegal activities.
Michael, be on the lookout for narcs…these people can be easily identified by one or more of these telling traits:
- They weren’t your friend before you could out-swim the shark from Jaws
- They’re trying to bum just enough money for a chalupa and a mexican pizza
- They are pointing a digital camera at you as you light up your bong
Just keep an eye out for any of these little “tells” before you smoke up any of your swimming endorsements. (Since so many swimmers have made out like Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan….I’m sure you don’t need to worry about screwing that up).
I wanted to at least mention Christian Bale too. No rant here…the guy is money. Do you see those two pictures up top? He went from 180lbs down to 120lbs for The Machinist (against doctor’s orders)…and he wanted to go lower. The man is a ridiculous method actor…he doesn’t even speak with his accent while doing press for American films. Oh…and immediately after The Machinist was done he started filming Batman Begins. He’s been awesome in everything I’ve seen him in…even if the movie itself blows.
So if anyone gets a pass for having a tirade at work, it’s this guy.
You can download the .mp3 of his rant here.
OK…for starters, I was on a (very long, boring, pointless…) teleconference/webinar yesterday. Within 15 minutes I was bored enough to start going through the attendee list…and I noticed that I was online with “Jim Boner” & “Olga Arreola”. Spelling aside for Ms. Arreola, I felt this was so unbelievable that I had to do a screen capture for posterity. I mean really, without heading down the “clever adult film star” names route…what else is there to say about that!? I wonder if Olga is sister to Helga from Citizen’s Gas? If so, I don’t think I’d be interested in sampling any of her “acting”.
The good news is that since I was taking my conference call from home, I was able to utilize my “mute” button and get in some practice on Guitar Hero… I mean I was checking my e-mails…
Enough all ready! I get it…snow is a miracle. No two flakes are the same…amazing…now how about making it show up on a day that I don’t have to drive out into Dante’s hell? It’s me, Connor, Dante, and Virgil in the car for over an hour for an 8 mile trip. I’d complain about the (lack of) snow removal in Indianapolis; however, the last time a Kintzel bitched too much about government & snow plows, a man died.
[Side note: February 22, 2003 - On the way home from a Toad the Wet Sprocket concert in Cincinnatti, there was a horrible snow storm. There were four of us in the car: Me, Amber, Fred (dad), and Garret. The roads were amazingly un-plowed...and Garret was driving his new Nissan Sentra. Dad was saying how the state resources were mismanaged, etc...and how badly Governor Frank O'Bannon sucked. He was dead that September. I guess Dad put the Kintzel-Curse on him.]
A guy who’s tired of knowing exactly where his snow-shovel is
At the risk of sounding too self-important, I get the daily Inside Indiana Business e-mail…and had two articles in yesterday’s that I just had to comment on.
First of all…the one above. File this under “No Shit”. So, the housing market was a little soft last year? Really? That’s the first I’m hearing of any of this. I’ll have my people get on it and call a mandatory webinar with appropriate action items. Be sure to dial in 10 minutes early so that you can wait around for the dunces who call right on time but are having “technical problems” and hold up everyone else anyway.
Three guys working for the Indiana Dept. of Transportation found $130,000 and immediately called the police. They were each handed $1,000 (or 2.3% of their share of the overall find) from the governor and a pat on the back. To be honest, I’d take the other $127,000 and pat myself on the back for keeping my damned mouth shut.
Or…there’s always the possiblity that these guys found like $250,000, kept $120,000, and still managed to get their pictures taken with the governor.
Either way…the moral to the story is that (per the Indiana Government): Honesty = 2.3% of Keeping Your Mouth Shut
OK…first of all, let me start by saying that I wasn’t going to post anything tonight because I’m ridiculously tired. It took me 3.5 hours to go from I-465 (Brookville Exit) to I-69 (96th Street Exit) to I-70 (MLK Exit) to I-465 (37 South Exit) tonight. There was one point while I was sitting on Michigan Street on the IUPUI campus, where everyone who was walking was going about 5-6 times faster than anyone driving. I had an Office Space flashback of the Peter in the traffic jam with the old man with the walker passing him. Snow sure is pretty…if you’re not driving in it.
With that said, I was working on some boring on-line stuff with my Citizen’s Gas account. I tried to pull up my account several times (with no luck). I kept getting an error that said something like: “We know you have an account with us, but our system sucks and won’t pull up your information. Please try again if you’d like the same crap results”. So I clicked somewhere else on their page and got the image above.
“All of the attractive customer service representatives are on other calls. Your call is important to us. If your call requires immediate assistance, please dial 0 for Helga”
I don’t know what to say about this picture. I’ve heard so many PSAs this year from Citizen’s Gas about the prices going up …and their CEO is on-line weekly to answer questions, etc. My first though after seeing this picture is: Why don’t they say they’re keeping their rates down by not hiring professional models? I mean without getting mean for the sake of being mean… this is a very handsome woman… and she has a face for answering the phone. Should her picture really be on the website? Did they just not check their clip-art or what?
I found this picture on Google in about 30 seconds. What’s wrong with this one? I’d much rather talk to “teeth-whitener” girl than Helga… or at least see her picture on the website.
I guess what this really comes down to is business sense. Does anyone really think that the women on the commercials for the 900 numbers are truly the same women on the other end of the phone?…NO. And none of us really think that “teeth-whitener” girl is answering the phones at Citizen’s Gas, or ringing you up at Home Depot, or even telling you that your NSF fee total is $35 at your local bank office.
….BUT, good business people know how to craft that illusion…and today Citizen’s Gas and their Internet department get a big “F” (or the alternate: F.U.). Come on guys….do something better with my $250/month. I’m turning my thermostat to 40 on principal alone…Bastards.