This Book Belongs To...

So after my rant about Valentine’s Day (that took me 6 days to write), Karma gives me Robot S.P.3 to share with everyone.  I can’t believe the irony of it all, actually.  Sherman set the Way-Back Machine for 2/12/10.   

Mister Peabody & Sherman (Too young? Google it... you damned kids!)

Friday night I had an interesting conversation with Melinda about how I (well we actually…. I just didn’t want to throw her under the bus) could be such a cynical person and yet truly appreciate the important things in life.  I won’t say that I’m an optomist, because I’m still working on that; however, I have at least moved from my previous “no glass” stance on the “empty/2 vs. full/2″ debate.    

Half...

Then strangely enough my dad (Fred) called tonight to wish me an (early) happy birthday and we ended up having a very similar talk.  He’s enjoying life more than ever, but he still gets pissed off by the people at Cheers (only the names and locations have been changed to protect the innocent… well, just the location really.  You all know that Fred is my dad… wouldn’t do much good to lie about that now).   

Kintzel Cynicism DNA Helix

I relayed that I might have some theories on why we’re both cynics; however, this isn’t the “Nature vs. Nurture” Channel… so we won’t get into all of that.  (If you’re interested in getting into all of that, Nature and Nurture are squaring off in a steel-cage title-match this week on WWE RAW).  I added that there are a lot of things that get me wound up too:   

• Truck Balls
• People who say “irregardless”, “supposubly”, “take things for granite”, “for all intensive purposes”, and “excetera”
• Colors (I’m color-blind people…not racist)
• Compound interest

But recently I’ve managed to compartmentalize all of that and focus on what, but more importantly who, really matters the most.  That brings us back to Robot S.P.3, the Sweet Pickles book from above, the Sweet Pickles book from Connor’s closet, my Sweet Pickles book from 1981.  “This Sweet Pickles book belongs to Eric Kintzel” written printed in just about 5-year-old script.  

I read it to him for bed last night (on the aforementioned Valentine’s Day) for the first time… and he loved it so much that he had me read it to him again tonight, with the stipulation that we’d read it again tomorrow night.  

My dad read that book to me for years… and to Garret (my brother) and me for even more years… and he’d read it “the right way” as my poor mom was reminded when she didn’t read it like dad did.  (Our dog Butch literally ate the top edge of the book, but SP3 - much like in the story – could not be stopped).  Of course any time SP3 would talk in the book, dad would read it in the classic robot voice… sometimes even acting it out (which never really helped us “wind down” for bed, but we didn’t care).  

Flash forward 20-plus years and here I was with my own little boy reading the same book… not the same story, but the actual dog-chewed, “This Sweet Pickles Book Belongs to Eric Kintzel“-signed copy of my book.  Playing the part of me was Connor, which had to mean that I was filling the story-telling shoes of my dad… which is no small undertaking, I might add. 

Now (coming back to the beginning of my post) I may be a cynical a-hole sometimes, but none of the aura of that moment last night was lost on me last night.  I’ve been sitting here for 10 minutes trying to put it into words, but I can’t… and rather than say something clichéd, I’ll just say that I hope that some day my son looks back on his story-time with me as fondly as I look back on my story-time with my dad.

Life isn’t about who flips you off on the highway, who sits next to you at work with that annoying click when they chew, or who swipes that last copy of your New Release at Blockbuster on a Friday night.  Life is about family and friends (…don’t be upset about always being listed 2nd “friends”.  Remember some say that friends are the family that you get to choose…) …most importantly, the ones who want you to read Robot S.P.3 tomorrow night.

Stop meddling little cherub

Did I mention that I have always hated Valentine’s Day?  I think it all started back in grade school.  All of the little 8-year-old playaz had the baskets full of “I love you”, “Be my valentine”, and “I Choo-Choo Choose You” (Ralph Wiggum TM) cards spilling out of their construction-paper baskets.       

Wiggum-Style

Meanwhile a young (husky-jeans-wearing) Eric Kintzel was getting cards like these:      

• I LOVE YOU (printed) but just as friends (in crayon)
• HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY (printed) but I’d date girls first (in pink with hearts over the “i’s”)
• YOU’RE CUTE (printed) r than the kid in the helmet (in marker)
• I WANT YOU (printed) to leave me alone (in red pen from my teacher)

This was actually nice because I needed to lose 30...

So things didn’t start off well for Valentine’s Day.  Then as I got older and began dating I realized that Valentine’s Day was just a relationship land-mine.  There’s no way to win… and it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in your relationship.      

• Just started dating – What is the correct “gift to relationship duration” ratio?  You can’t seem too serious and get a ring after a few dates…that’s a no brainer;  however, do you really need to be saddled with the cost of roses after 3 dates?  Is a card enough?  Who the hell knows…
• In the pre-marriage zone – You’re in the “prince charming stage”.  You’re the guy to take Snow White and ride off into the sunset.  You’re probably saving up your money for an engagement ring…or maybe even planning the income vortex that is a wedding.  Things are serious now, right?    But here’s the reality of it all.  The last thing you can afford to do is drop $100 on dinner, $50 on flowers, and God knows how much on a “girl-friend approved” gift.  But if you don’t, you subject her to watching other women getting flowers at work all day while she sits and thinks about what a cheap asshole you are.
• Married! – Now you can actually say things like, “Should we really spend $200 on Valentine’s Day?”… and if you’re lucky enough you’ve married someone who says, “let’s spend it on something cool”.  But there’s still a good chance that you’re a frugal dick… and of course your suggestion of some sexy lingerie is probably viewed as more of a waste of money than flowers (that will be dead before they show up on your credit card statement).

I can’t tell you how many diamond commercials I’ve heard in the last two weeks.  It’s ridiculous!  This has really become a man’s day to screw up.  There’s really not much to gain.  If you pull it off, you might get to stay at zero… but there’s always the potential to bury yourself at a depth that might require a donkey and a native American tracker to find you.     

Look! My present...

I guess the thing that bothers me the most about VD (funny…right?) is the whole premise of the “holiday”…if you can call it that.  If you really love (or care about) the person you’re with, why do you need to especially celebrate it on this one particular day?  Shouldn’t you be that amazingly, inseparably in-love every day of the year?  Do you really need to single out February 14th?  Pace yourself…. be a great spouse (or significant other) every day!     

Single?

 …and I haven’t even mentioned the amount of stress and/or depression it can bring on for some of us single folks.  Now I’m not upset about being single (or alone), but that wasn’t always the case.  February 14th is hellish for people who don’t want to spend that day alone… especially if all of their friends are all going out doing something “romantic”.  A recent break-up can make Valentine’s Day feel extremely scarring…like living through an emotional Holocaust.  Woot woot!!   

To top off all of my warm and wonderful emotions about 2/14 is the fact that my birthday is 2/16.  Why does this matter, you say?  Since I’m not a complete shut-in (yet), I do occasionally like to go out on (or around) my birthday; however, with Valentine’s Day right up against it… I often have to fight all of the same crowds, “happy” couples, and doubled-up wait times if I feel like going out to celebrate.  So most of the time, I don’t.  And this is where I get a tad irrational, selfish, and (yes even a lot) pissed off! 

Eric Kintzel - 2/16 (ONLY)

My birthday is the one day each year that I can claim as my own (and not feel like a complete selfish asshole about it).  There are no two ways about it… even Father’s Day (the only other holiday that I can claim in any way) is really all about getting to spend time with my son and my own dad.  So, I do get a bit selfishly upset when my least favorite “holiday” screws up anything to do with my birthday.  Why couldn’t it be Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day, or even Flag Day?! 

Wah.... poor Eric

I’m sure some of you are thinking… “Waaaahhhh… poor Eric” 

• Doesn’t he have anything better to whine about? 
  • The answer would be: In general, yes; however, on February 13th, no.  I hate Valentine’s Day.  It can burn in hell. 
• Isn’t Eric’s son’s birthday around Christmas?  How can he still bitch about Valentine’s Day? 
  • Yes, Connor’s birthday is 12/17.  He loves Christmas and it doesn’t screw up his birthday.  He gets 3 weeks of celebrations, cakes, and presents.  At any point when he becomes disillusioned by his birthday’s proximity to Christmas, I’ll teach him how to blog.  Until then, that kid is living the dream.
• Grow up, get a life, and get over it
  • Also see: my blog, tough shit

For all of you celebrating this “holiday”, go out have a great time.  I wish you all the best of luck navigating the ever-changing labyrinth of rules, enduring the anxiety of present selection, and sitting on your thumbs waiting for a table. 

For all of you sane people (like me), I wish you all A Very Happy Un-Valentine’s! 

"The crowd" on a good day in December

Now don’t get me wrong, I love the holidays.  But I think that things have taken a turn for the worse… and no one has noticed.

Why is it ok for the cashier at Kroger to tell me that my “Xmas Twix” (per the register) upsets her as the “Xmas” takes Christ out of Christmas?  How does she know that I’m not a Satanist planning on using my Twix in some sort of ritual to rid the world of Christmas?  Or maybe, I’m a Grinch-ist just trying to get rid of the Who’s and all that “noise, noise, noise, noise…”

Grinch-ist

I guess my point is that I really don’t need the cashier talking to me about Jesus… and I have several reasons for this. 

First of all, I don’t like talking to anyone about Jesus.  I have my own issues with my faith, or lack thereof…and I really don’t feel like discussing it with Cindy at Kroger.  “Paper or Plastic” Cindy, not “Heaven or Hell”.

How much did I save, with the coupons?

Secondly, why is it acceptable for Christians to annually assume that everyone else is on the invite list for their big end-of-the-year party?  Just because the majority of Indiana is Christian doesn’t mean that it’s 100% Christian.  Maybe I celebrate Festivus every December… or maybe I have a shrine dedicated to Elvis.  Or maybe I was heading home to start planning my Ramadan festivities for the following August.  Would they take as well to me wishing them “Happy Bodhi Day!”?

The new Merry Christmas!!

…and with all of this going on, I feel like so many have lost sight of what the Holiday season should actually focus on.  Starting with Thanksgiving, people just get into this consumer mentality for the sake of doing what’s expected of them. 

“Buy, buy, buy” to show others how much money you make…and how you can afford to spend more on them than they can spend on you.  It’s the financial equivalent of whipping it out to see whose is bigger.

Then you’ve got the people who will go out shopping and not be concerned if they cut-people off on the road, park in handicapped spots, grab the last toy, cut in line, pay with a check, and talk loudly on their cell phones during the entire process.

I guess it’s “no big deal” to inconvenience tens or possibly hundreds of people over the course of a month or two to spread a little Christmas cheer, on one day.  That’s just bad math any way you slice it. 

Do people realize the karma they’re going to reap?  I mean come on everyone, “What would Jesus do to grab the last New Moon Barbie doll?”  …and more importantly, would he be pleased to see what you’d done to grab the last New Moon Barbie doll?

Jesus loves Edward Cullen!

So let’s all take a step back, refocus, and think: “What should the holidays mean to me”?

I’ll tell you what they mean to me, and I’m not going to bullshit it at all.  I’ll start at Thanksgiving, but I don’t need a day every year to make me thankful for what I’m about to get into.

I’m not going to get into details, but I’ve had a pretty screwed up year this year.  All that aside, I’m honestly not sitting around feeling sorry for myself… and I don’t need reminded every November to count my blessings.

My most amazing blessing in the world is sleeping in the next room holding on to an early birthday present that his mom gave him.  He’s the reason that I get out of bed every day… and he still thinks that I am the coolest man on the planet.

I’m also blessed to have my health.  I will never take that for granted. 

I’m incredibly fortunate to not just have had an “amicable” split-up, but that Amber and I are still genuinely friends.  We will always have a special bond and I just can’t imagine my life without her in it… even if it’s not in the same capacity as before.

I also have a great family (including Amber) that really helped me get through losing my job and living on my own for the first time this year.  I’ve leaned on each of them at different times in different ways and I’ll never be able to fully explain what that meant for my mental well-being.

This year (on a positive note) I was able to reconnect with two of my best friends from junior high and high school.  I still really can’t believe that I’m back in touch with either of them…and it really blows my mind that we’ve all hung out twice in the last 3 weeks.  Melinda & Brandon, I don’t know about my faith… but I know that fate gave you two back to me this year when I really needed you the most.  Now, don’t go getting lost out in the world again.

So that’s (part of) what I’m thankful for… and Christmas time, which I really prefer to call the holidays, should be about spending time with family and being kind to one another.  (Of course we should all be doing that every day, but that’s an issue for another time). 

This is what it's all about

Are presents nice? Yes.  Do you have to have them to have a great holiday season? No.  Is it Christmas? Yes.  Would Jesus be upset at “Xmas” if we actually got the sentiment right? Probably not…

So let’s not all stress out on how many presents we’re giving or getting.  Let’s just all enjoy the time we have with those around us.  If they’re important or special enough to get to see during the holidays, then get the most out of the time you get to see them.  You never know who might not be sitting around the tree the next time it’s up.

Don't Call It A Comeback...

First of all, I just want to tell everyone that I’m returning from my job-hunting hiatus.  The energy was well spent and I start my new job with ADT on July 27.  But like LL Cool J said, “Don’t call it a comeback!”

Let’s get right to some things that have been itching to get out of my brain lately.  First on my list is these rediculous things:

This is not the way to honor my memory...

Family and friends please hear me now while I’m alive and kicking: DO NOT GET AN “In Loving Memory of Eric Kintzel” WINDOW DECAL.  I can’t express to you how much I feel that these are in poor taste.  I’m sure that some people may honestly feel like it is a touching tribute; however, I am not one of those people.  If I’m unfortunate enough to fall into the “only the good die young” category, please just pass on your condolences, send flowers, make a donation to a cause, or just set the money on fire…but do not under any circumstances let this juxtapositioning occur:

GIT-R-DONE

I just have a feeling that I’d be right next to a Calvin pissing on an Obama face or something…so let’s just not risk it. OK?  Oh…and please don’t partake in anything airbrushed:

Sweet shirt...do you have my BBD tape?

So as we continue along the back of the Ford F350, what’s that I see?  Well, it looks like…NO, it can’t be.  That would be such a vulgar thing to put on your truck…but shit, what else could that be but:

TRUCK BALLS

Yes, it must be truck balls…a faux metallic scrotum.  But why on God’s Earth would anyone take the most unattractive part of the male anatomy and put them on the back of their vehicle?  (And this certainly isn’t in any sort of Georgia O’Keeffe type of artsy spin on them either).

Truck Balls make Mud Flap Girl Politically Correct!!

My only guess would be that the owner of these faux balls has one of these problems:

• Accessibility – He is unable to get to his own balls, because his wife owns them et cetera
• Area - He is unhappy with the LxWxH (Length x Width x Height) of his own, so he’s procured an over-sized set
• Profession – He is a urologist (nothing to complain about here)

Of course, the truck balls are available in many colors:

Burl Ives didn't have this in mind!

These nuts will have you singing Silver & Gold all night long.  I’ll bet Frosty the Snowman would have looked quite formidable with a pair of these babies.

And let’s not forget:

Nuff said...

What would a collection of cajones (nuts, rocks, danglers, family jewels, nads) be without the most (in)famous set of them all: The Blue Balls.  I mention this set last to drive home a point guys.  If you come home with a set of truck balls and your wife doesn’t approve, chances are you will end up with this set regardless of which color you previously picked out at the Balls Store.

So, since I’ve gotten myself back into my exercise routine, I’ve been listening to mostly rap & hip-hop to keep my momentum going…and I’ve started to notice several common themes throughout.  I’ve decided to try to help address some of these issues and how they can be overcome.

There is apparently a lot of:

• Bouncing – There is a significant amount of bouncing with others going on.  I believe this to be transportation-related…and obviously because most rapper’s cars need shocks.  Have you seen them in videos?  The poor bastards in the Burger King commercial have their fries thrown all over the place.  Head over to Pep Boys and my brother Garret will hook you up.  This should also be a minimal investment…
• Shaking – Let me tell you folks, shaking like a Polaroid picture is no laughing matter.  This could be the first sign of palsy.  I wouldn’t be hyping it up, I’d head straight to the doctor for a further diagnosis.
• Dropping – Not necessarily related to the shaking or the bouncing, but dropping things might alert you to the fact that you may be suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome.  Perhaps try letting some of your posse return your non-essential e-mails and text messages.  (Side note: Dropping something because it’s hot is just a reflex…don’t concern yourself with that…it’s just your nerve endings telling you to let go)

Crack Dealer

Another disturbing trend that everyone is wondering how to “get all that ass in them jeans”, etc.  I’m no fashion genius, but I’ll try to walk you through the scenario.  If you’ve gone to your closet and put on some jeans that are a size 7 and your ass is hanging out (see above)…or you can’t seem to get them all the way on, just go ahead and try a size 9.  No one likes to admit that they’re in a bigger size, but it seems to be better than having your ass hanging out…or rocking the muffin top.  Perhaps you could also look into hiring a personal shopper to assist you with these tough decisions.  You want to be able to move around while wearing your pants…like Chuck Norris:

Another fascinating phenomenon is that many hip-hop artists hang with their boos.  I had no idea that the hip-hop community dabbled in the occult.  Apparently they confer with their long-gone homeys through a spiritual medium.

Shorties

Others are close with their shorties…as they are obviously a non-discriminatory group.  Quite moving in this day and age.  This is also shown by the fact  Lil’ Jon has been embraced by the rap community even though he is partially deaf, mentally delusional (makes up gibberish words like “Crunk”), and suffers from Tourette’s Syndrome. 

WHAT!?

I’m not able to say for sure, but I believe that some in the hip-hop world also dabble in dog breeding and farming.  I’m basing this solely on the incredible amount of references to “bitches & hoes”.  Don’t hold me to it…I’m just guessing.

Also, I’ve heard references to “lovely lady lumps”.  I’m sure it seems fine to sing about this in your twenties, but lumps are nothing to sneeze at.  They are often the first sign of something much more ominous.  Come on people…be more responsible.  Go get it checked out.

So there you have it…my take on the rap & hip-hop community and some of their glaring issues.  Hopefully this can help someone out there.

Until next time, I’m ridin’ dirty…

I don’t even know what to say.  I truly consider myself a pessimistic, jaded, pissed-off individual…and today AT&T threw me a huge curve-ball.

I called to cancel my land-line and (although the call itself took 45 minutes) they were very helpful with the process…going beyond what I would expect from the “losing dollars” side of their call center.  I was impressed with customer service for a change.

I decided to try my luck again and called AT&T Wireless to get rid of my extra line and to downgrade my minutes.  I got to talk to this wonderful woman, Kate Thompson (so nice that I remembered her name) in Harrisburg, PA.  She asked why I was downgrading, etc.  (By the way: “lost my job” and “getting divorced” never have follow-up questions).

Anyway, she did not cancel my line (which would have cost me $140 and lost my 3300 rollover minutes).  She put me into a super-secret 450 minute plan (for $50/month), let me keep my 3300 rollover minutes, and even added 2000 additional rollover minutes to help me get through until my contract is up in September 2010.  I also got to keep the additional line in case Amber needs the number in the future.

You know…at some point, you start to wonder if anyone at any of these call facilities truly realize that there is a live human-being on the other end of the phone.  They get so used to doing their job…that they forget that they are supposed to be “customer service”.  “Calloused” would not be a strong enough word for the attitudes of some of them.

Thank you Kate Thompson from Harrisburg.  You have restored my faith in humanity (for the time being).

Nothing else needs to be said about this.  I will blog something sarcastic and edgy later, but not today.

So today I went to Wal-Mart to buy a cheap MP3 player for while I’m (planning on) jogging and cutting the grass.  I saw that they had some open display items that were half-off…and since I’m broke, I went for one of those.  I got a 1GB Sansa Clip for $20, which is a pretty good deal.

Tonight I’ve been loading it up and got past 1GB (on accident).  I went into the settings and it turns out that those numb-nuts stuck an 8GB model in my box on accident!!  I can’t believe it!!

It’s like hitting the Wal-Mart lottery!  Just had to share.  Having to deal with idiots and slack-jaws at the White-trashy, US-31 Wal-Mart finally pays off!!

However…overall score is still:

• Wal-Mart: 157
• Eric: 1

Until we meet again, …..Wal-Mart

Too funny...

Ever since I changed my Facebook relationship status to “single”, this is what I get in my advertisement bar ALL THE TIME.  It cracks me up!

Am I looking for a nice “one-nighter”?…or maybe a college girl that I could buy alcohol for?  Perhaps I’ve got a “Mrs. Robinson”-thing going on and I’m trolling for AARP members (no offense to AARP members…).

This kind of stuff just makes me laugh.  I know it’s not a very long post, but there’s not much to it.  I’ve got a couple of other posts brewing in my head about my divorce, dating, and what music meant to me in my teenage years, but I haven’t had the patience or discipline to sit my ass down and write them.

Oh….Jehovah’s Witnesses: Stop ringing my doorbell!  I’m quite impressed with your take on Christ…that’s great that you think he had x-ray vision, knew pi to 1000 digits,  and invented the open-toe sandal; however, it pisses off my dogs and makes me stop exercising to answer the door (which in turn pisses me off).  So the next time you see the “No soliciting” sign in my neighborhood…it does pertain to you.

Damn you Blockbuster!!

So, I was going to watch Superman Returns tonight.  Unfortunately, I opened my envelope to find Superman: The Movie.  No big deal in general…I had Smokin’ Aces, and Burn After Reading that both came in today also.  Little did I know that I was about to finish up the most violent 7 days of movie watching that I’ve ever endured.

Without ruining movies that some of you haven’t seen before…I thought that I’d just put up the box art of the movies that I’ve watched in the last 7 days.  I’m also putting up descriptions of some of the violent scenes in the movies so that you can match them up.  (Sorry folks: “Shot in the head at close range” would have still left you with 3 or 4 movies.  We’ll have to be a little more original than that.)

The Kintzel 2009 Violence Challenge

1. Man has a night-stick shoved down his throat while he’s being tortured (by the police) in a bathtub
2. Man uses a pneumatic tank & slug on people’s heads instead of using a gun
3. 5-year-old girl rips her mother’s neck open and mauls her
4. Man chews off his fingerprints so he can’t be identified
5. Man receives blows to the head from a hatchet in the street by a man in his bathrobe
6. Man has a human hand in a ziploc bag at a table during a conversation
7. Man awakes in a hospital and begins to pull his (dead) friends bone fragments from under his skin

Answers (Don’t peek!)

1. Pride & Glory
2. No Country for Old Men
3. Quarantine
4. Smokin’ Aces
5. Burn After Reading
6. The Departed
7. Body of Lies

So, if you got them all right you win the same thing that I do:

The "bad" guy

Time to watch some Spongebob…you know, where Plankton is the “bad” guy because he wants to steal the Krabby Patty.  Not because he want’s to kill Mr. Krabs, have his way with Pearl (Krabs’ daughter), and then burn SpongeBob and Patrick alive (do to their “non-traditional” lifestyle).

…Let’s hope Blockbuster gets Superman right this time.

]]> http://ekintzel.wordpress.com/2009/03/19/cant-we-all-just-get-along/feed/ 2 ekintzel supermanswitch2 quarantine smokinaces prideandglory nocountryforoldmen burnafterreading thedeparted bodyoflies plankton http://ekintzel.wordpress.com/2009/03/05/unoriginality-sucks/ http://ekintzel.wordpress.com/2009/03/05/unoriginality-sucks/#comments Fri, 06 Mar 2009 01:02:57 +0000 ekintzel http://ekintzel.wordpress.com/?p=202 ]]> I saw this article online last week and it made me laugh:

From IMDB.com

In 2005, a movie called The Island went something like this:

In 2019, Lincoln Six Echo and Jordan Two Delta are best friends in a repressive and intriguing society, where everybody expects to win the lottery. The prize is to move to a paradisaical island outside the domes that protect the dwellers against the contaminated environment. Jordan wins the lottery, and Lincoln accidentally finds the scary truth behind the Utopian award: they are clones, generated to provide replacement organs and parts to the owners of insurance policy.

My kind of action tripe

Jeesh…that sounds awfully close to the same plot.  And sorry Keira, The Island had Ewan McGregor (Obi-Wan) and Scarlett Johansson (who doesn’t look like she weighs less than the DVD…that’s my way of saying I think she’s extremely attractive).  I’m not saying that The Island was Oscar-worthy…it’s not.  It’s my typical average sci-fi, action film with some decent explosions and (overly) intense musical score.  With that said, IT ONLY CAME OUT 3 YEARS AGO!! It’s not like when they remade Cape Fear in the 90′s… People will remember that there was a movie just like that a couple of summers ago.  Numb nuts…

See Also: Armageddon vs. Deep Impact, Bewitched (Which Dick is it?), and Snorks vs. Smurfs