Wrap it up

rap-1

So, since I’ve gotten myself back into my exercise routine, I’ve been listening to mostly rap & hip-hop to keep my momentum going…and I’ve started to notice several common themes throughout.  I’ve decided to try to help address some of these issues and how they can be overcome.

There is apparently a lot of:

  • Bouncing – There is a significant amount of bouncing with others going on.  I believe this to be transportation-related…and obviously because most rapper’s cars need shocks.  Have you seen them in videos?  The poor bastards in the Burger King commercial have their fries thrown all over the place.  Head over to Pep Boys and my brother Garret will hook you up.  This should also be a minimal investment…
  • Shaking – Let me tell you folks, shaking like a Polaroid picture is no laughing matter.  This could be the first sign of palsy.  I wouldn’t be hyping it up, I’d head straight to the doctor for a further diagnosis.
  • Dropping – Not necessarily related to the shaking or the bouncing, but dropping things might alert you to the fact that you may be suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome.  Perhaps try letting some of your posse return your non-essential e-mails and text messages.  (Side note: Dropping something because it’s hot is just a reflex…don’t concern yourself with that…it’s just your nerve endings telling you to let go)
Crack Dealer

Crack Dealer

Another disturbing trend that everyone is wondering how to “get all that ass in them jeans”, etc.  I’m no fashion genius, but I’ll try to walk you through the scenario.  If you’ve gone to your closet and put on some jeans that are a size 7 and your ass is hanging out (see above)…or you can’t seem to get them all the way on, just go ahead and try a size 9.  No one likes to admit that they’re in a bigger size, but it seems to be better than having your ass hanging out…or rocking the muffin top.  Perhaps you could also look into hiring a personal shopper to assist you with these tough decisions.  You want to be able to move around while wearing your pants…like Chuck Norris:

cn_action

Another fascinating phenomenon is that many hip-hop artists hang with their boos.  I had no idea that the hip-hop community dabbled in the occult.  Apparently they confer with their long-gone homeys through a spiritual medium.

Shorties

Shorties

Others are close with their shorties…as they are obviously a non-discriminatory group.  Quite moving in this day and age.  This is also shown by the fact  Lil’ Jon has been embraced by the rap community even though he is partially deaf, mentally delusional (makes up gibberish words like “Crunk”), and suffers from Tourette’s Syndrome. 

WHAT!?

WHAT!?

I’m not able to say for sure, but I believe that some in the hip-hop world also dabble in dog breeding and farming.  I’m basing this solely on the incredible amount of references to “bitches & hoes”.  Don’t hold me to it…I’m just guessing.

breast-cancer

Also, I’ve heard references to “lovely lady lumps”.  I’m sure it seems fine to sing about this in your twenties, but lumps are nothing to sneeze at.  They are often the first sign of something much more ominous.  Come on people…be more responsible.  Go get it checked out.

So there you have it…my take on the rap & hip-hop community and some of their glaring issues.  Hopefully this can help someone out there.

Until next time, I’m ridin’ dirty…

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April 24, 2009. Tags: , . music. 3 comments.

My Day with AT&T

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I don’t even know what to say.  I truly consider myself a pessimistic, jaded, pissed-off individual…and today AT&T threw me a huge curve-ball.

I called to cancel my land-line and (although the call itself took 45 minutes) they were very helpful with the process…going beyond what I would expect from the “losing dollars” side of their call center.  I was impressed with customer service for a change.

I decided to try my luck again and called AT&T Wireless to get rid of my extra line and to downgrade my minutes.  I got to talk to this wonderful woman, Kate Thompson (so nice that I remembered her name) in Harrisburg, PA.  She asked why I was downgrading, etc.  (By the way: “lost my job” and “getting divorced” never have follow-up questions).

Anyway, she did not cancel my line (which would have cost me $140 and lost my 3300 rollover minutes).  She put me into a super-secret 450 minute plan (for $50/month), let me keep my 3300 rollover minutes, and even added 2000 additional rollover minutes to help me get through until my contract is up in September 2010.  I also got to keep the additional line in case Amber needs the number in the future.

You know…at some point, you start to wonder if anyone at any of these call facilities truly realize that there is a live human-being on the other end of the phone.  They get so used to doing their job…that they forget that they are supposed to be “customer service”.  “Calloused” would not be a strong enough word for the attitudes of some of them.

Thank you Kate Thompson from Harrisburg.  You have restored my faith in humanity (for the time being).

Nothing else needs to be said about this.  I will blog something sarcastic and edgy later, but not today.

April 23, 2009. Tags: . There is good in the world. Leave a comment.

Finally!

mp3player

So today I went to Wal-Mart to buy a cheap MP3 player for while I’m (planning on) jogging and cutting the grass.  I saw that they had some open display items that were half-off…and since I’m broke, I went for one of those.  I got a 1GB Sansa Clip for $20, which is a pretty good deal.

Tonight I’ve been loading it up and got past 1GB (on accident).  I went into the settings and it turns out that those numb-nuts stuck an 8GB model in my box on accident!!  I can’t believe it!!

It’s like hitting the Wal-Mart lottery!  Just had to share.  Having to deal with idiots and slack-jaws at the White-trashy, US-31 Wal-Mart finally pays off!!

However…overall score is still:

  • Wal-Mart: 157
  • Eric: 1

Until we meet again, …..Wal-Mart

April 4, 2009. Tags: , . morons. 4 comments.

Single?

Too funny...

Too funny...

Ever since I changed my Facebook relationship status to “single”, this is what I get in my advertisement bar ALL THE TIME.  It cracks me up!

Am I looking for a nice “one-nighter”?…or maybe a college girl that I could buy alcohol for?  Perhaps I’ve got a “Mrs. Robinson”-thing going on and I’m trolling for AARP members (no offense to AARP members…).

This kind of stuff just makes me laugh.  I know it’s not a very long post, but there’s not much to it.  I’ve got a couple of other posts brewing in my head about my divorce, dating, and what music meant to me in my teenage years, but I haven’t had the patience or discipline to sit my ass down and write them.

Oh….Jehovah’s Witnesses: Stop ringing my doorbell!  I’m quite impressed with your take on Christ…that’s great that you think he had x-ray vision, knew pi to 1000 digits,  and invented the open-toe sandal; however, it pisses off my dogs and makes me stop exercising to answer the door (which in turn pisses me off).  So the next time you see the “No soliciting” sign in my neighborhood…it does pertain to you.

April 1, 2009. Tags: , . rants. 1 comment.