Good Riddance C.P. Morgan

OK…so if you watch the video, you can see that I’m not pleased with C.P. Morgan.  So much so that I was willing to put my face on the Internet to express my displeasure.  I was in the middle of a 3-day debacle that ended up with me completely replacing my upstairs toilet.  I was a bit honked off because changing a flapper valve costs about $5 and takes about 5 minutes.

So basically what got me to that point (in the video) was that I was trying to replace that flushing column (for lack of a better term).  In order to do that I had to: remove the ballcock assembly (which was destroyed in the process because it was cheap), remove the tank from the bowl (by unscrewing corroded bolts – which sucked), and remove the old flushing column (that wouldn’t unscrew because of the sediment on the threads…and the fact that is was made of cheap plastic).  Which pretty much led me to realize that I needed a new toilet, because I didn’t want to put $30 of parts and time into that old crapper.

Don't forget to scrape away the old wax ring

Don't forget to scrape away the old wax ring

At that point I had to remove the old toilet by unscrewing the mounting bolts on the bottom.  I started to back off the threads, but some C.P. Morgan flunky had cut them with bolt cutters (or something) and mashed the threads.  So, my only resort was to loosen them as much as possible and hope that I could rotate the bowl and take it off anyway.  Luckily it worked and all I had to do was take off the old wax ring and start anew.

Finally, I get a chance to read

Finally, I get a chance to read

That Ron Weasley cracks me up!!

That Ron Weasley cracks me up!!

Noooooooooo!!!! (I just found out Dumbledore dies)

Noooooooooo!!!! (I just found out Dumbledore dies)

On a side note, I’m way to immature to have a clean, unsecured toilet sitting around the house not to take goofy pictures of myself.  (Also: I love that the dogs are completely unaffected by my behavior).  After I finished screwing around with these, I did manage to get the new commode in and 12 hours later…it’s still not leaking.  Let’s all hope for the best.

Taaa Daaaa!!

Taaa Daaaa!!

Also, I’ve been sick recently…and since I’m unemployed, I’ve been trying to sleep some during the day to fight back the hantavirus or whatever the hell I’ve got.  Which got me thinking about something entirely stupid and inconsequential:

When are you “going back to sleep”…and when are you “taking a nap”?  I got up at 7:30, had Connor to school by 9:00, and was back in bed by 10:30.  I’d been up 3 hours….was I “going back to sleep” or “taking a nap”?  If I had gotten up at 5:00 or 6:00 (a.m.), would it have been a nap for sure?  Is this all determined by how long you’ve been up…or does the specific time of day have something to do with it?  Are there no naps before noon? Do you have to be up 4+ hours to take a nap?  Or are you going back to bed if it’s any time before 11:00 (a.m.), etc.?

Anyway I know it’s totally random and irrelevant, but it’s been on my mind.  Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s 11:45 (p.m.) and I have to go to sleep.

homer

February 28, 2009. Tags: , , , . rants. 2 comments.

Yo Need a Drug Test

What the...

What the...

I was at the store this week and ran into some “Yo Gabba Gabba” items in the toy aisle.  I’m not familiar with the show (outside of what I see on The Soup), but I’ve got to tell you that just looking at this picture…makes me feel like I should be in line for an involuntary urine test.

Yo D.M.C.

Yo D.M.C.

I imagine this is what someone on a “Yo Gabba” trip must have hallucinated in the early 80’s.  Clearly DJ Lance Rock (yes…that’s really his name…I just looked it up) is on the fabled “brown acid” from Woodstock.  He’s bumpin’ some King of Rock, or My Adidas by Run D.M.C. with his peeps while they’re checking out his Bob Marley black-light poster. 

california-raisin-bong

They’re all stocked up on Doritos, Ben & Jerry’s, Twinkies, Frozen Pizzas… and just got back from Taco Bell.  Plex (the yellow robot) brought his California Raisins smoking apparatus and his DVDs: Pineapple Express, Cheech & Chong, Beavis & Butt-Head, & Super Troopers.  Everything is going well until:

I'm wiggin' out man

I'm wiggin' out man

Captain Tampon (didn’t catch his name) starts having a bad trip.  “Are you a cop?  If you are…you have to tell me”, he begins shouting as he runs in circles with his hands in the air.  “Heaven’s Gate Away Team had the right idea…where are my sweatpants and my Nike’s?” he continues as the rest of the crew tackle him to the ground.

drugsarebad

I know that was a long way around the block, but those toys/that show freak me out.  I highly (nopun intended) suggest that anyone working in law enforcement around the Nickelodeon studios should be planning a sting operation immediately.  You can only hide behind “it’s a kid’s show” for so long.  Come on C.I.A.!  Get a NARC in there now.  There could be some Colombian drug lord writing the “scripts” if you can call them that. 

I see you!

I see you!

I’m just thankful that my son doesn’t really watch much TV; however, we do enjoy the occasional Sponge-Bob!  And tomorrow morning, that porous little guy is going to make my life so much easier.  Connor (my 4-year-old) isn’t that fond of getting up in the morning…so I got him this Sponge-Bob alarm clock at (begin sending hate-mail) Wal-Mart today for $15.  He’s actually excited about waking up with an alarm like his Dad…I really pulled the fleece over his eyes, I know.  It’s all good and well at 10:45pm, let’s see what little Plankton does tomorrow morning when seagulls are waking him up.

plankton

Prepare to taste my wrath!

February 23, 2009. Tags: , , . tv. 3 comments.

Birthday Card

birthday001

Well my birthday is on Monday and I just got a card from my dad in the mail.  He sent me a check with the above memo.  I’m out of a job…so I need to cash it, but I’m tempted to keep it because of how damned funny that is.

Mine did NOT look like this

Mine did NOT look like this

I must confess that last night I was in a hurry and needed some fast food while I was running errands.  I stopped at McBlockage’s and got the old stand-bye “#2” value meal.  After consuming what was certainly “fast”, I remembered why I eat their “food” about once every year or two.  I also recalled that regardless of what you order, it all turns into the “#2” value meal anyway.  Next time I’ll just pull over on the side of the road and see if there’s an overfilled storm drain…and just eat out of that.  Couldn’t be any worse…and I wouldn’t have paid $4 for it either.

Where’s the Pepto?

February 13, 2009. Tags: , . eating habits. 4 comments.

Bummer

Whatever...

Whatever...

OK…so I’m sure that some of you know that I’ve had a bad week this week.  I washed & dried my 2GB memory stick (can you imagine it doesn’t work now?), I’m having strange horizontal hold issues with my PS3 (my sanity!!), Windows Media Player 10 keeps locking up my computer (Bill Gates!!), and I got “laid off” from my job on Thursday too (I’m sure they’re going to call me right back…) 

But what’s got me most disturbed is what happened to me at the library yesterday.  I had 3 Damien Rice CDs and a DVD for Connor.  My library card scanned that I had 5 items to pickup (quick math…I’m missing one).  It went down like this (EK=Me, LL=Library Lady):

  • EK – Do I have another item back there?
  • LL – I don’t see one
  • EK – No big deal…it’ll show up and I’ll get it later.
  • LL – I’ll scan your card and see if I can find it
  • EK – That’s ok…no biggie.
  • LL – That’s my job… no problem.
  • EK – OK…here you go.  I can’t even remember what I even requested.
  • LL – Oh…it came in today.  Here’s your JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE CD.
  • EK – (Mortified) … Oh thanks.
  • LL – Wasn’t he great last night?
  • EK – (Scanning the room) What?  Oh…was he on the Grammy’s?  I don’t usually keep track of those shows, etc.
  • LL – Me either, but I have a teenage girl at home.
  • EK – (Frantically scanning the CD) … OK Thanks….
ericjustin

Eric hearts Justin...

I was more embarrassed than the first time (or the last time for that matter) that I bought condoms!  It seemed like the Library Lady was going over the intercom or with a megaphone or something…and time slowed down (see: Time Dilation) so it took forever for me to get out of there. 

So, now you all know…I do occasionally enjoy listening to pop music as a guilty pleasure.  I also dabble in rap & hip-hop, but that doesn’t embarrass me like pop does.  There’s certainly more of a hard-ass aura surrounding rap…and people accept that there’s got to be hip-hop to dance to (even if you’re like me and don’t dance).  But pop is kind of like…”Oh, here’s your Justin CD…and your pink leotard came in today too”.  I may have to switch to a different library…

Will the real Man-Ray please stand up?

Will the real Man-Ray please stand up?

Something small that’s getting on my nerves this morning is Man-Ray from Spongebob.  Man-Ray (along with the Dirty Bubble) fights Spongebob’s superhero idols Mermaid-Man and Barnacle Boy.  I thought I’d be able to quickly find a funny picture on Google images (maybe the one where Man-Ray shows Spongebob & Patrick his checks with poodles on them), but it took me 10-15 minutes just to get the one above.

Apparently there was some artist (painter/photographer, etc) named Man Ray also…and I keep getting nakes lady butt pictures!

The aforementioned naked lady butt

The aforementioned naked lady butt

Now, didn’t this tortured soul know that eighty years after he took this picture that I’d need a goofy Spongebob picture for my profile?  How self-centered…artists…

February 10, 2009. Tags: , , . guilty pleasures, music. 4 comments.

Oops!

...and me without a DVR...

...and me without a DVR...

Hey sports fans!  If you happen to live in Arizona and you were offended by Comcast showing 30 seconds of porn, you can hit them up for a whole $10! 

So if you want to have the (aforementioned) “talk” with your kids about why the nice lady on TV was helping the excitable guywith his zipper, you can do so over a dinner at McDonald’s (hold the McFlurrys).  Well…I guess you could really only take out one kid…and you’d better be a single parent…and don’t biggie size…and jeesh…how much is tax on food now….????

Plan B (for Boob)

Plan B (for Boob)

Note to Janet & Justin: You guys are off the hook.  No one cares about a “Wardrobe Malfunction” when Jim Boner and Olga Arreola are “giving each other the business” in prime time.
Did you know his middle name is Cheech!?

Did you know his middle name is Cheech!?

Hey Phelps…guess what?  My son’s Spiderman V-Tech probably has a digital camera in it.  You can certainly smoke a lot of pot at home with the $100,000,000 dollars that you stand to lose in endorsement deals.  I know this sounds crazy, but you may want to take a quick moral assessment of those around you before engaging in illegal activities. 

Michael, be on the lookout for narcs…these people can be easily identified by one or more of these telling traits:

  • They weren’t your friend before you could out-swim the shark from Jaws
  • They’re trying to bum just enough money for a chalupa and a mexican pizza
  • They are pointing a digital camera at you as you light up your bong

Just keep an eye out for any of these little “tells” before you smoke up any of your swimming endorsements.  (Since so many swimmers have made out like Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan….I’m sure you don’t need to worry about screwing that up).

Give him a break...

My favorite actor

I wanted to at least mention Christian Bale too.  No rant here…the guy is money.  Do you see those two pictures up top?  He went from 180lbs down to 120lbs for The Machinist (against doctor’s orders)…and he wanted to go lower.  The man is a ridiculous method actor…he doesn’t even speak with his accent while doing press for American films.  Oh…and immediately after The Machinist was done he started filming Batman Begins.  He’s been awesome in everything I’ve seen him in…even if the movie itself blows.

So if anyone gets a pass for having a tirade at work, it’s this guy.

You can download the .mp3 of his rant here.

February 5, 2009. Tags: , , , . rants. 1 comment.

Stranger Than Fiction

Truth is Stranger than Fiction

Truth is Stranger than Fiction

OK…for starters, I was on a (very long, boring, pointless…) teleconference/webinar yesterday.  Within 15 minutes I was bored enough to start going through the attendee list…and I noticed that I was online with “Jim Boner” & “Olga Arreola”.  Spelling aside for Ms. Arreola, I felt this was so unbelievable that I had to do a screen capture for posterity.  I mean really, without heading down the “clever adult film star” names route…what else is there to say about that!?  I wonder if Olga is sister to Helga from Citizen’s Gas?  If so, I don’t think I’d be interested in sampling any of her “acting”.

The good news is that since I was taking my conference call from home, I was able to utilize my “mute” button and get in some practice on Guitar Hero… I mean I was checking my e-mails…

Enough!

Enough!

Dear God,

Enough all ready!  I get it…snow is a miracle.  No two flakes are the same…amazing…now how about making it show up on a day that I don’t have to drive out into Dante’s hell?  It’s me, Connor, Dante, and Virgil in the car for over an hour for an 8 mile trip.  I’d complain about the (lack of) snow removal in Indianapolis; however, the last time a Kintzel bitched too much about government & snow plows, a man died.

[Side note: February 22, 2003 – On the way home from a Toad the Wet Sprocket concert in Cincinnatti, there was a horrible snow storm.  There were four of us in the car: Me, Amber, Fred (dad), and Garret.  The roads were amazingly un-plowed…and Garret was driving his new Nissan Sentra.  Dad was saying how the state resources were mismanaged, etc…and how badly Governor Frank O’Bannon  sucked.  He was dead that September.  I guess Dad put the Kintzel-Curse on him.]

Sincerely,

             A guy who’s tired of knowing exactly where his snow-shovel is

 

Really!?
Really!?

At the risk of sounding too self-important, I get the daily Inside Indiana Business e-mail…and had two articles in yesterday’s that I just had to comment on. 

First of all…the one above.  File this under “No Shit”.  So, the housing market was a little soft last year?  Really?  That’s the first I’m hearing of any of this.  I’ll have my people get on it and call a mandatory webinar with appropriate action items.  Be sure to dial in 10 minutes early so that you can wait around for the dunces who call right on time but are having “technical problems” and hold up everyone else anyway.

Honesty=(.023)*(Shutting Up)

Honesty=(.023)*(Shutting Up)

Three guys working for the Indiana Dept. of Transportation found $130,000 and immediately called the police.  They were each handed $1,000 (or 2.3% of their share of the overall find) from the governor and a pat on the back.  To be honest, I’d take the other $127,000 and pat myself on the back for keeping my damned mouth shut.

Or…there’s always the possiblity that these guys found like $250,000, kept $120,000, and still managed to get their pictures taken with the governor.

Either way…the moral to the story is that (per the Indiana Government):  Honesty = 2.3% of Keeping Your Mouth Shut

February 3, 2009. Tags: , , , . rants. Leave a comment.

WiiFat

Oh... I remember what this looks like!

Oh... I remember what this looks like!

 OK…so it’s the end of January and I’ve completely lost any momentum that I might have had for healthy eating and regular exercising.  I’ve replaced my bananas, yogurt, and fat free cottage cheese with Doritos, Cookies N’ Cream Ice Cream, and M&Ms.  I should have known that I was in trouble…I’m assuming that the first stages of any addiction would closely mirror my M&Ms buying habits over the last 2-3 months.

  1. I occasionally pick a single “small bag” (once or twice)
  2. I move up to the “party pack”…8 small bags for $1 (…well if I’m going to be eating more of them, I might as well pick this one up)
  3. Oh…CVS has two “medium bags” for $5…sounds like a good deal, I guess I’ll probably eat them in the next few months
  4. 4 Days Later:  Time to get the $7, 27 oz. “Fat Bag”!! (Rationalization: I need to get the most amount of M&Ms possible at the lowest per unit cost)

I’d guess that the next step would be for me to get an M&M’s IV, but I think my PPO only covers preventative chocolate addiction treatment.

So, I spent $90 last year on my WiiFit and was really kicking some ass on it.  I started in mid-August at 202ish…and by the end of October I was down to about 174.  Now, I do remember seeing my WiiFit recently…but where was it?  Damn…where did I put that thing?  Oh…there it is….

You can run, but you can't hide.  (But don't worry...I'm too lazy to run after you anyway!)

You can run, but you can't hide. (But don't worry...I'm too lazy to run after you anyway!)

That’s right!  I shoved it under the couch when that annoying little CGI board asked my why I thought I had gained weight since my last session.  News flash: Cram it little board!  I’ve been making sure that Connor doesn’t eat all of the M&Ms, Kit Kats, Hershey’s Kisses, Ice Cream, and Cookies in the house.  I’m really taking one for the team, but I don’t want my son eating that crap!

…And what’s the etiquette on weight-loss followed by weight-gain?  Should I still allow myself to be proud that I’m still around 180 even though I’ve been eating like Tom Hanks did once he got off of that island with Wilson.  Do I tell people that I’ve lost 20 pounds since last summer…or that I’ve gained 10 since last month?  Aaahhh…the great mysteries of life. 

Perhaps I’ll join the NAAFP (National Association for the Advancement of Fat People) if I ever get back to my 240 days.  I know I may be sounding the alarm a little prematurely (no jokes people…can’t we all just be adults for 5 minutes?), but you can’t get up to 240 without nice stops at 180, 190, 200, 210, 220 on the way.

N.A.A.F.P. Meeting

N.A.A.F.P. Meeting

Here’s a Family Guy picture from the episode where Peter founded the NAAFP.  If you look closely, you can see me in the second row.

More next time kids…I have some chips to eat.

January 29, 2009. Tags: , . eating habits. 2 comments.

Citizen’s Gas: Saving You Money…

Saving You Money

OK…first of all, let me start by saying that I wasn’t going to post anything tonight because I’m ridiculously tired.  It took me 3.5 hours to go from I-465 (Brookville Exit) to I-69 (96th Street Exit) to I-70 (MLK Exit) to I-465 (37 South Exit) tonight.  There was one point while I was sitting on Michigan Street on the IUPUI campus, where everyone who was walking was going about 5-6 times faster than anyone driving.  I had an Office Space flashback of the Peter in the traffic jam with the old man with the walker passing him.  Snow sure is pretty…if you’re not driving in it.

With that said, I was working on some boring on-line stuff with my Citizen’s Gas account.  I tried to pull up my account several times (with no luck).  I kept getting an error that said something like: “We know you have an account with us, but our system sucks and won’t pull up your information.  Please try again if you’d like the same crap results”.  So I clicked somewhere else on their page and got the image above.

“All of the attractive customer service representatives are on other calls.  Your call is important to us.  If your call requires immediate assistance, please dial 0 for Helga”

I don’t know what to say about this picture.  I’ve heard so many PSAs this year from Citizen’s Gas about the prices going up …and their CEO is on-line weekly to answer questions, etc.   My first though after seeing this picture is: Why don’t they say they’re keeping their rates down by not hiring professional models?  I mean without getting mean for the sake of being mean… this is a very handsome woman… and she has a face for answering the phone.  Should her picture really be on the website?  Did they just not check their clip-art or what?

Way better than Helga...

Way better than Helga...

I found this picture on Google in about 30 seconds.  What’s wrong with this one?  I’d much rather talk to “teeth-whitener” girl than Helga… or at least see her picture on the website.

I guess what this really comes down to is business sense.  Does anyone really think that the women on the commercials for the 900 numbers are truly the same women on the other end of the phone?…NO.  And none of us really think that “teeth-whitener” girl is answering the phones at Citizen’s Gas, or ringing you up at Home Depot, or even telling you that your NSF fee total is $35 at your local bank office.

….BUT, good business people know how to craft that illusion…and today Citizen’s Gas and their Internet department get a big “F” (or the alternate: F.U.).  Come on guys….do something better with my $250/month.  I’m turning my thermostat to 40 on principal alone…Bastards.

January 28, 2009. Tags: . rants. 6 comments.

First Post: Case of the Mondays

What's in my DVD player?

What's in my DVD player?

Well, I’ve been screwing around with the web tools for the last hour and I must say that I don’t know if I have the patience or eloquence to write anything mind boggling this evening.

I will say that I think I’m going to enjoy sitting down and letting loose all of the clutter that builds up in the big dust-collector on the top of my neck.  I seem to have all sorts of random crap flying in and out of there all the time… and if you’re unfortunate enough to have the time to read this (i.e. bored at work, sitting on the crapper, got to the last page of the Internet and are currently doubling back), you may just begin to be concerned about my well-being…or at very least the well being of my son, Spider-man.

I guess while I’m up and ranting.  Here’s something that’s been on my mind a lot lately…movies.  [Previously on Knight Rider:  Eric is a new Blu-ray fan who has a PS3, an excellent 1080i 57″ HDTV, and a fantastic 5.1 Dolby Digital Sound setup run through an optical cable at home.  He’s purchased about 20 Blu-rays (90% of them on mega sale) in the last 3 months and is anxiously awaiting his Blu-ray copy of Transformers from Amazon.com any day now]….aaah I digress.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking  a lot lately about my fondness for the repeated viewing of my favorite movies.  Friends and family will often comment on how many movies that I purchase rather than rent.  I explain that I do enjoy my favorite movies enough to warrant the purchase price.  I’ve begun to justify that I’m somewhat of a fan of the art that is movie making.  I enjoy watching the “making of” segments in the extras of DVDs…I’m fond of the work of certain directors and actors.  I like hearing about why the choice is made for 2.40:1 vs. 1.85:1  aspect ratio.  [For example: Spider-man was filmed in 1:85, but when moving to Spider-man 2…they switched to 2.40 to allow for the enormity of Doctor Octopus and his extremities].

With all of this said…am I really just placating myself?  I pay attention to all of this stuff…and I enjoy the art of a well-made film; however, the last movies that I watched were: Hulk, Iron Man, The Hunt for Red October, Office Space, and Hellboy 2.  Doesn’t really sound like the nomination list for this year’s Academy Awards, does it?  So, I can’t quite figure it all out.  I like to think that I’m sophisticated enough to call myself a fan of the art form (…I do like The Machinist, Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, Memento, The Prestige…) , but I guess I’ll fess up and admit that I mostly like movies with superheroes, explosions, Will Ferrell, farts, expletives, and groin trauma.

There… you made me say it.  I hope you’re happy.  If you bring this up, I’ll have to deny it.

January 27, 2009. Tags: . movies. 4 comments.

« Previous Page