Wrap it up

rap-1

So, since I’ve gotten myself back into my exercise routine, I’ve been listening to mostly rap & hip-hop to keep my momentum going…and I’ve started to notice several common themes throughout.  I’ve decided to try to help address some of these issues and how they can be overcome.

There is apparently a lot of:

  • Bouncing – There is a significant amount of bouncing with others going on.  I believe this to be transportation-related…and obviously because most rapper’s cars need shocks.  Have you seen them in videos?  The poor bastards in the Burger King commercial have their fries thrown all over the place.  Head over to Pep Boys and my brother Garret will hook you up.  This should also be a minimal investment…
  • Shaking – Let me tell you folks, shaking like a Polaroid picture is no laughing matter.  This could be the first sign of palsy.  I wouldn’t be hyping it up, I’d head straight to the doctor for a further diagnosis.
  • Dropping – Not necessarily related to the shaking or the bouncing, but dropping things might alert you to the fact that you may be suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome.  Perhaps try letting some of your posse return your non-essential e-mails and text messages.  (Side note: Dropping something because it’s hot is just a reflex…don’t concern yourself with that…it’s just your nerve endings telling you to let go)
Crack Dealer

Crack Dealer

Another disturbing trend that everyone is wondering how to “get all that ass in them jeans”, etc.  I’m no fashion genius, but I’ll try to walk you through the scenario.  If you’ve gone to your closet and put on some jeans that are a size 7 and your ass is hanging out (see above)…or you can’t seem to get them all the way on, just go ahead and try a size 9.  No one likes to admit that they’re in a bigger size, but it seems to be better than having your ass hanging out…or rocking the muffin top.  Perhaps you could also look into hiring a personal shopper to assist you with these tough decisions.  You want to be able to move around while wearing your pants…like Chuck Norris:

cn_action

Another fascinating phenomenon is that many hip-hop artists hang with their boos.  I had no idea that the hip-hop community dabbled in the occult.  Apparently they confer with their long-gone homeys through a spiritual medium.

Shorties

Shorties

Others are close with their shorties…as they are obviously a non-discriminatory group.  Quite moving in this day and age.  This is also shown by the fact  Lil’ Jon has been embraced by the rap community even though he is partially deaf, mentally delusional (makes up gibberish words like “Crunk”), and suffers from Tourette’s Syndrome. 

WHAT!?

WHAT!?

I’m not able to say for sure, but I believe that some in the hip-hop world also dabble in dog breeding and farming.  I’m basing this solely on the incredible amount of references to “bitches & hoes”.  Don’t hold me to it…I’m just guessing.

breast-cancer

Also, I’ve heard references to “lovely lady lumps”.  I’m sure it seems fine to sing about this in your twenties, but lumps are nothing to sneeze at.  They are often the first sign of something much more ominous.  Come on people…be more responsible.  Go get it checked out.

So there you have it…my take on the rap & hip-hop community and some of their glaring issues.  Hopefully this can help someone out there.

Until next time, I’m ridin’ dirty…

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April 24, 2009. Tags: , . music. 3 comments.