If it’s brilliant, it must be on the back of your truck…

Don't Call It A Comeback...

Don't Call It A Comeback...

First of all, I just want to tell everyone that I’m returning from my job-hunting hiatus.  The energy was well spent and I start my new job with ADT on July 27.  But like LL Cool J said, “Don’t call it a comeback!”

Let’s get right to some things that have been itching to get out of my brain lately.  First on my list is these rediculous things:

This is not the way to honor my memory...

This is not the way to honor my memory...

Family and friends please hear me now while I’m alive and kicking: DO NOT GET AN “In Loving Memory of Eric Kintzel” WINDOW DECAL.  I can’t express to you how much I feel that these are in poor taste.  I’m sure that some people may honestly feel like it is a touching tribute; however, I am not one of those people.  If I’m unfortunate enough to fall into the “only the good die young” category, please just pass on your condolences, send flowers, make a donation to a cause, or just set the money on fire…but do not under any circumstances let this juxtapositioning occur:

GIT-R-DONE

GIT-R-DONE

I just have a feeling that I’d be right next to a Calvin pissing on an Obama face or something…so let’s just not risk it. OK?  Oh…and please don’t partake in anything airbrushed:

Sweet shirt...do you have my BBD tape?

Sweet shirt...do you have my BBD tape?

So as we continue along the back of the Ford F350, what’s that I see?  Well, it looks like…NO, it can’t be.  That would be such a vulgar thing to put on your truck…but shit, what else could that be but:

TRUCK BALLS

TRUCK BALLS

Yes, it must be truck balls…a faux metallic scrotum.  But why on God’s Earth would anyone take the most unattractive part of the male anatomy and put them on the back of their vehicle?  (And this certainly isn’t in any sort of Georgia O’Keeffe type of artsy spin on them either).

Truck Balls make Mud Flap Girl Politically Correct!!

Truck Balls make Mud Flap Girl Politically Correct!!

My only guess would be that the owner of these faux balls has one of these problems:

  • Accessibility – He is unable to get to his own balls, because his wife owns them et cetera
  • Area – He is unhappy with the LxWxH (Length x Width x Height) of his own, so he’s procured an over-sized set
  • Profession – He is a urologist (nothing to complain about here)

Of course, the truck balls are available in many colors:

Burl Ives didn't have this in mind!

Burl Ives didn't have this in mind!

These nuts will have you singing Silver & Gold all night long.  I’ll bet Frosty the Snowman would have looked quite formidable with a pair of these babies.

And let’s not forget:

Nuff said...

Nuff said...

What would a collection of cajones (nuts, rocks, danglers, family jewels, nads) be without the most (in)famous set of them all: The Blue Balls.  I mention this set last to drive home a point guys.  If you come home with a set of truck balls and your wife doesn’t approve, chances are you will end up with this set regardless of which color you previously picked out at the Balls Store.

July 20, 2009. Tags: , . rants. 1 comment.