Happy Un-Valentine’s Day

Mwa ha ha ha ha ha...

Stop meddling little cherub

Did I mention that I have always hated Valentine’s Day?  I think it all started back in grade school.  All of the little 8-year-old playaz had the baskets full of “I love you”, “Be my valentine”, and “I Choo-Choo Choose You” (Ralph Wiggum TM) cards spilling out of their construction-paper baskets.       

Wiggum-Style

Meanwhile a young (husky-jeans-wearing) Eric Kintzel was getting cards like these:      

  • I LOVE YOU (printed) but just as friends (in crayon)
  • HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY (printed) but I’d date girls first (in pink with hearts over the “i’s”)
  • YOU’RE CUTE (printed) r than the kid in the helmet (in marker)
  • I WANT YOU (printed) to leave me alone (in red pen from my teacher)

    

This was actually nice because I needed to lose 30...

So things didn’t start off well for Valentine’s Day.  Then as I got older and began dating I realized that Valentine’s Day was just a relationship land-mine.  There’s no way to win… and it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in your relationship.      

  • Just started dating – What is the correct “gift to relationship duration” ratio?  You can’t seem too serious and get a ring after a few dates…that’s a no brainer;  however, do you really need to be saddled with the cost of roses after 3 dates?  Is a card enough?  Who the hell knows…
  • In the pre-marriage zone – You’re in the “prince charming stage”.  You’re the guy to take Snow White and ride off into the sunset.  You’re probably saving up your money for an engagement ring…or maybe even planning the income vortex that is a wedding.  Things are serious now, right?    But here’s the reality of it all.  The last thing you can afford to do is drop $100 on dinner, $50 on flowers, and God knows how much on a “girl-friend approved” gift.  But if you don’t, you subject her to watching other women getting flowers at work all day while she sits and thinks about what a cheap asshole you are.
  • Married! – Now you can actually say things like, “Should we really spend $200 on Valentine’s Day?”… and if you’re lucky enough you’ve married someone who says, “let’s spend it on something cool”.  But there’s still a good chance that you’re a frugal dick… and of course your suggestion of some sexy lingerie is probably viewed as more of a waste of money than flowers (that will be dead before they show up on your credit card statement).

I can’t tell you how many diamond commercials I’ve heard in the last two weeks.  It’s ridiculous!  This has really become a man’s day to screw up.  There’s really not much to gain.  If you pull it off, you might get to stay at zero… but there’s always the potential to bury yourself at a depth that might require a donkey and a native American tracker to find you.     

Look! My present...

I guess the thing that bothers me the most about VD (funny…right?) is the whole premise of the “holiday”…if you can call it that.  If you really love (or care about) the person you’re with, why do you need to especially celebrate it on this one particular day?  Shouldn’t you be that amazingly, inseparably in-love every day of the year?  Do you really need to single out February 14th?  Pace yourself…. be a great spouse (or significant other) every day!     

Single?

 …and I haven’t even mentioned the amount of stress and/or depression it can bring on for some of us single folks.  Now I’m not upset about being single (or alone), but that wasn’t always the case.  February 14th is hellish for people who don’t want to spend that day alone… especially if all of their friends are all going out doing something “romantic”.  A recent break-up can make Valentine’s Day feel extremely scarring…like living through an emotional Holocaust.  Woot woot!!   

To top off all of my warm and wonderful emotions about 2/14 is the fact that my birthday is 2/16.  Why does this matter, you say?  Since I’m not a complete shut-in (yet), I do occasionally like to go out on (or around) my birthday; however, with Valentine’s Day right up against it… I often have to fight all of the same crowds, “happy” couples, and doubled-up wait times if I feel like going out to celebrate.  So most of the time, I don’t.  And this is where I get a tad irrational, selfish, and (yes even a lot) pissed off! 

Eric Kintzel - 2/16 (ONLY)

My birthday is the one day each year that I can claim as my own (and not feel like a complete selfish asshole about it).  There are no two ways about it… even Father’s Day (the only other holiday that I can claim in any way) is really all about getting to spend time with my son and my own dad.  So, I do get a bit selfishly upset when my least favorite “holiday” screws up anything to do with my birthday.  Why couldn’t it be Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day, or even Flag Day?! 

Wah.... poor Eric

I’m sure some of you are thinking… “Waaaahhhh… poor Eric” 

  • Doesn’t he have anything better to whine about? 
    • The answer would be: In general, yes; however, on February 13th, no.  I hate Valentine’s Day.  It can burn in hell. 
  • Isn’t Eric’s son’s birthday around Christmas?  How can he still bitch about Valentine’s Day? 
    • Yes, Connor’s birthday is 12/17.  He loves Christmas and it doesn’t screw up his birthday.  He gets 3 weeks of celebrations, cakes, and presents.  At any point when he becomes disillusioned by his birthday’s proximity to Christmas, I’ll teach him how to blog.  Until then, that kid is living the dream.
  • Grow up, get a life, and get over it
    • Also see: my blog, tough shit

For all of you celebrating this “holiday”, go out have a great time.  I wish you all the best of luck navigating the ever-changing labyrinth of rules, enduring the anxiety of present selection, and sitting on your thumbs waiting for a table. 

For all of you sane people (like me), I wish you all A Very Happy Un-Valentine’s! 

 

Advertisements

February 13, 2010. Tags: , . rants. 3 comments.